I’ve made it.

The end of the school year.

I don’t want to be over dramatic by saying “I didn’t think I would ever make it.”  Obviously I knew June would eventually come, but there were scores of moments and situations throughout the last ten months in which I could not visualize how I would get to the other side, and do so gracefully.

But now I’m in the last week of my first year as a teacher. A week full of whole school send-off activities, students unwilling to focus on simple tasks, and teachers who can’t blame them.

After this week I will be flying home to America. There I will be reconnecting with friends, especially those whom I’ve had difficulty staying in touch with while so far away. I will spend time with my family who have supported me to no end, in the last two years especially. I will be working my fourth summer at Shine Summer Day Camp for the entire seven weeks I’m home, teaching kids about the heart of the Father and working with an incredible staff to give them an exciting summer. But most importantly to me, I will be removing myself from the stressful, demanding environment I’m currently in, to experience and learn from God in new ways. I’m excited to see what He will reveal to me about what I think I’ve learned in the past year, as I reflect on it from afar. I hope to renew, refresh and reconnect before returning to Uganda on August 17.

As to be expected, my first year as a teacher was hard. I had been warned in many of my education classes in college how hard it would be, but my God, until you do it, you just don’t know. I was faced first hand with the problems modern day schools face, but also additional complications that come when you put together students from nearly every country around the world, and challenges that arise when trying to run a top notch school in a developing country.

On top of simply being a typical first year teacher, I made the decision to do that first year in a foreign country—7,000 miles from home. Because of that choice, I have spent countless evenings alone in my house, wishing I had a community of other young women, or even one female Christian friend to work through life with. I have been confused over and taken advantage of because of cultural differences that result from being a member of a huge racial minority. It has been a year of calling out to God questioning why He seemingly dropped me in this strange country, in a job I don’t feel qualified for, where my co-workers are over worked and burned out and sometimes lash out at me over simple matters. It has been a year of growing in wisdom, patience, and self-control, while I attempt to teach affluent middle and high school aged students from all over the world. It has been a year in which I have often felt completely unsupported both professionally and personally.

In spite of, and ultimately because of, the challenges I have seen this year, God has done so much in me. All of that work deserves time to reflect on in order to really understand His heart behind everything that has happened. And to be honest, Uganda doesn’t yet feel like enough of home to be able to go through this reflecting process here. I need people around me who know my heart and make me feel grounded. I need separation. I need an ocean of headspace.

I know I need to go but In several ways, I am sad and afraid to leave Uganda for so long:

I’m scared to trust God to protect the the kids on my street whom I have built relationships with. Honestly, I’m afraid some of their families’ financial situations won’t allow them to stay where they are until I return in August to see them again. I’m fearful that this goodbye could be a goodbye forever.

I’m a little annoyed that I’m forced to put my long, pain-staking process of building a community around me here in Kampala on hold. I won’t be around for the first several weeks that some good friends of mine come to stay here in Uganda. I’ll be missing so much time with women who are only here until the end of the summer. I can’t help but think of all that could be done relationally if I were to stay.

I’m sad to leave my wonderful boyfriend, who is so often a peacemaker in my life, and be away from him for all those weeks. I’m filled with irrational fears that I’m not as strong as I need to be to sustain a long distance relationship well—even if only for two months.

But for every fear there is a whisper of peace from the Father.

“Yes, of course I will take care of those children, because they’re my children. Stephen, Nakayiza, Kabebi, Nakito, Nakato, Malcolm, Dan, Ashem, Aki, Azza—They all matter to me. I can’t promise I will keep them where you can see them, but I love them more than you do and I will take care of them anywhere they are.”

“I already know the women I have chosen for you to be in community with and you are not losing time with them. Focus on your relationship with Me and I will put you in the right place to meet these girls, when the time is right.”

“Michael will be just fine without you. I will watch over him. You will not lose anything. Remember, he is not your source of peace—I am. Your relationship will grow if you both lean on Me for strength. Look forward to the perseverance you will both gain if you abide in Me during this time.”

On top of all the important character traits God has been rooting in my heart in this season, the most important thing He has started growing in me is the imperative practice of Relying On Him. This is an idea that is thrown around often casually as a skill and mindset good Christians should have. But in the last 10 months, He has shown me more of what it should actually look like in my own life.

God has kept me isolated from close Christian community to intentionally teach me what it really means to rely on Him. He has allowed me to go through challenging situations so I can practice trusting in Him whether there’s something I can personally do about the situation or whether there’s nothing I can do but pray. While I’ve stayed in Kampala, my boyfriend continues to live two hours away at his job. The Father allowed my eyes to be shielded when a girl my own age tried to reach out to me for friendship. He stays with me when it becomes increasingly difficult to remain connected with friends back home and around the world.

God knows me well and He knows I’m way more likely to call up a friend to get together to talk or message someone online than I am to be still and call out to Him. He has shown me how important Christian community is and that it’s something that isn’t going to just come to me like it did in college, it’s something to fight for and be diligent in pursuing.

God doesn’t want me to be isolated from other believers but He knows I’m stubborn, and He has to speak to me dramatically in order for me to get the idea—I have to learn to come to Him first. Developing my relationship with God is why He created me. It’s God I’m going to spend eternity with. He loves me. He wants me to KNOW Him, and maybe I wouldn’t be able to do that as well if I had a plethora of people around to distract me. Maybe.

Clearly my feelings are divided at this point, but I’ve made it. I finished the school year and I can look forward to putting the stress of this year behind me. I am beginning to be at peace with the fact that this time next week, I will be home in familiar Michigan surrounded by family and friends. I’m excited to talk about all God has done and all I expect to see Him do in the future. I may be going home to reflect, but I still have another year to go at this job. I’m now half way done with this contract; It’s only the end of the first act. I’m excited to see what God has planned during this time, my intermission—a short pause in the activities to take a break, move from your seat, talk to the people around you, get some refreshments and prepare for the second act.

 

Currently Reading:

Rooted by Banning Liebscher

 

Tuesday was an important day. Tuesday was the response to a year-long prayer.
Tuesday could have been a major turning point.

Just two days before, we sang Bethel’s ‘It Is Well’ at church. With Tuesday still ahead of me, the lyrics calmed my spirit and reminded me I should accept God’s will, whatever it may be:

“Far be it for me to not believe, even when my eyes cannot see.
And this mountain that’s in front of me, will be thrown into the midst of the sea.

Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You.
And through it all, through it all, it is well.
Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You.
And it is well with me.”

“So let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know his name.”

“It is well with my soul.”

When I awoke that morning, I sang this song, preparing for the day.
But Tuesday came, and Tuesday let me down. And it let me down big time.

 

How do you train your heart to say the beautiful words of this song when you feel disappointed by life?

When your expectations were high and they came crashing down around you.

When God does something differently from the way you would do it.

When there are barriers and road blocks in the way of getting where you want to be.

When you work hard and it doesn’t seem to matter.

How do you continue to trust God over and over again when every time you get your hopes up for Him to come through, nothing even happens?

How do you just “let go” and “trust in Him” when steps towards prosperity looked like they were coming to pass but were suddenly washed away and destroyed and you’re back where you started?

How do you carry on, even when life is not well with your soul?

To be honest, as of late I have been very disappointed. I have been discouraged by what I see around me and by what I don’t see that I wish I did. My expectations of how I want my life to be and what I think the world should be like have left me with a disheartening view of reality.

This is an awful place to be, and I’m getting tired of it. I’m growing weary. And most days, it does not all feel “well with my soul.”

When things happen that we don’t understand, Christian’s most common advice to others is to “Just press in,” or remember “God is outside of our timing.” All that has it’s place, but they’re not always the most helpful statements when you’re hurting. I want to know that my disappointment is okay. I want to know how to move on and leave the hurt behind. Where can I put my sorrow and crushed expectations? Is there somewhere I can deposit them and leave them for good?

In this place there’s nothing I can do but calm my spirit and ask God to teach me something. Bring my expectations and my hopes into alignment with whatever it is You plan to do with me.

 

Maybe you’re like me and you can’t stay in this place very long. I refuse because I know what it will do to my spirit. I recognize that I need the Holy Spirit to help me crawl out.

The only thing I’ve found so far that seems to help is trying to find what God is doing through these situations. What is He building? What is He teaching? What is He developing in me that I will need to become a better person and disciple?

What I’ve come to see so far is, when You keep me waiting, and You keep me trusting, You are building in me:

Perseverance that leads to strength of character.

“Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:3-4

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

 

Diligence to work hard; Diligence to guard my heart from all evils including false expectations.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows form it.” Proverbs 4:23

 

Reliance fully on the God who is all powerful, rather than myself.

“Then they cried out to the Lord in their distress, and He delivered them from their troubles.” Psalm 107:6

 

Patience even though I cannot see the future. The ability to remain hopeful, faithful and joyful that God will come through.

“Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:11-12

 

Peace in any stressing situation that may present itself in my future.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

 

Now I am by no means an optimist by nature. It has taken me a while to get to the point where I am, where I can begin to imagine what God could be doing behind the scenes. It’s just so much less exhausting than staying down in the dark hole where tough times so often bring you.
Maybe these things are no condolence to you if you’re going through a hard time, but I’ve started to think, if these lessons are truly what He’s up to, then I thank You Father for knowing better than I do, and seeing more than I see. I thank You for loving me better than the parent who spoils their child by giving them whatever they want, the moment they ask. You keep me waiting, and guessing and trusting because You are creating me to be someone of strength and perseverance, peace and diligence. Someone fully equipped for the journey you have set in front of me, that I have yet to see.

“Far be it for me to not believe, even when my eyes cannot see.
And this mountain that’s in front of me, will be thrown into the midst of the sea.”

“It is well with me.”

It’s been a while since I have made any posts on my blog. I couldn’t think of anything to write about in the last couple months, since this blog has been used in the past for posting about what God has been teaching me Between work getting busier this year and unanswered prayers stacking up, I honestly haven’t been seeking God very earnestly.

In this Lent season, I downloaded a new app that is changing my patterns of reading God’s Word and changing my mindsets. This app She Read Truth is amazing. The app is free and bible plans are a couple dollars each, but they’re really good. They also have free phone backgrounds to download which are really helping me memorize scripture like I never have before.

Each week the bible plan gives you a new verse to memorize and a few weeks ago I memorized Acts 3:19 which says, “Therefore repent and turn back, so that your sins may be wiped out, that seasons of refreshing can come from the presence of the Lord.”

I had a cool moment in church this past week where a guest preacher was speaking-an African American missionary serving in Karamoja, Uganda. He spoke on Cultural Repentance, how all our cultures are different yet they all come from the world and what our respective countries have come to find is “correct.” Yet we ALL need to be repenting (literally from the Greek means changing your mind) of our cultures and living more in the culture of Heaven in order to bring Heaven to earth. Good sermon. Anyway, he ended by saying he was going to read a verse from Acts. Acts 3:19 popped into my head, seeing as it’s the only verse I have memorized from the whole book, thanks to She Reads Truth, and I thought, “he’s gonna read Acts 3:19.”

AND THEN HE DID.

Pretty cool.

But thanks to this app, I have a new routine that has me reading and processing God’s Word every day. And these few months, as I get over myself and the misplaced hurt I felt about God not answering my prayers the way I wanted him to, I’m settling into this new routine, and God has immediately began teaching me things again.

Now many people know, I never imagined myself teaching high school kids, especially at 23. And even before spending three months living in a Ugandan village as a missionary, I had no desire to teach privileged children. Yet here we are.

This year I’ve been struggling with these kids who have everything they want, in a country where so many go without necessities. I question why God put me here when kids talk back to me and take advantage of the resources at the school they’re blessed to attend.

In the last week of term 2, I heard a girl tell her friends her voice was hoarse because she spent all night screaming at her mom. Apparently this was caused by the girl’s mom having changed her mind about taking the family back to their home country for a visit over the summer holiday when she previously said they would travel back.
This is a girl many teachers have problems with. She hates that she is living in Uganda because she doesn’t feel she has enough freedom. She comes to school in the improper uniform and often refuses to take part in lessons.She is disobedient and says off the wall things to receive attention.

I so often look at this girl and wonder what it is about so many teenagers that keeps them from being able to make the best of the situation they’re in. But God knew I was struggling with her that day, and that’s when He spoke to me through Jesus, Lazarus, and the She Reads Truth iPhone app.

In John 11, sisters Mary and Martha are grieving because their brother Lazarus has died. They are upset that Jesus didn’t come sooner because they knew He could have prevented the death, had he been there.

If you’ve read the gospels or been in Sunday school as a kid, you know that Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead, though he had been in the tomb for days. But before He did that, (the shortest verse in the bible, John 11:35, says) He wept.

Two things to take from this:

1. Jesus grieves with us. God is a sensitive and empathetic being. Throughout His Word He promises us that He will never ever leave us (Deut. 31:6, Deut. 31:8, Josh. 1:5, 1 Chron. 28:20, Psalms 37:28, etc.), so we should never believe that God is not there, even in the difficult and sometimes tragic experiences we go through.

2. Jesus knew what He was going to do. He knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, yet he still grieves with the people. He is compassionate-not only does He grieve with us through our struggles, but He grieves with us EVEN THOUGH He knows the future; even though He knew their grief was just about to end.

Jesus knew the future that Mary and Martha did not. And that is why He is compassionate with them.

I think I’ve had a hard time being compassionate for my students because I think they should know what I know.

I’m not that old (at all) but particularly in the last couple years, I’ve learned some things about making the best of situations, adapting, overcoming unmet expectations, loneliness, and resting in God’s provision day by day. But many teenagers, including my students haven’t yet learned those things, and to be honest I was probably one of them at their age. I’ve been expecting my students to know whatGod has taught me about life-when many of them don’t even know Christ at all-and I’ve been having trouble being compassionate with them because they hadn’t yet learned what I assumed they should already know.

This week as we finish up the second term of this terribly/beautifully/frustratingly difficult school year, God shows me that He is never done teaching me. I have so so much farther to go.

This place is not where I imagined myself; I can think of hundreds of other scenarios I’d rather be in which God could use me to love on His people and share His gospel. Places where life is simple, and the kids are sweet and respectful and grateful for what they have. But these scenarios are the way I think He should use me, they’re not what HE has planned for me right now.

And how would our hearts ever become more like Jesus if God only put us among the people that are easy to love?

Some students of mine on a class trip to Western Uganda in January 2016.

A lot of people get mad about Christmas music-not so much at the songs themselves, but from hearing the same songs over and over again beginning November 1. But not me. I love listening to Christmas music all day. But this year, there’s one song in particular I’ve got a beef with.

It goes like this:

“It’s Christmastime, there’s no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime

But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it’s hard, but when you’re having fun

There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you

And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?”

-“Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

This song was written at a time when the media was covering a devastating famine in Ethiopia and Eritrea in the early 1980s. While I appreciate someone trying to bring attention to issues in Africa, I’m really over people generalizing Africa as if it’s one country, one people group, one problem. I’ve experienced this first hand over the past year from Americans who try to warn me of the Ebola and terrorism they assume is in Uganda, (Ugandans laugh when I bring this up to them).

I heard this song my first full day back in America of my Christmas holiday. I’ve never had the experience of a Christmas song make me angry before. But come on really? “bitter sting of tears?” “clanging chimes of doom?” Okay so they’re painting a picture, and in some cases (such as a detrimental famine) that might be justified.

What bothers me is the insinuation that Africans don’t know about Christmas and that they don’t celebrate it. And that people think “chimes of doom” can refer to people across the entire continent.

Now before I go into a mini-rant, let me first say, I do have very limited experience of African culture, having only lived in one country over the past 7 months. So I can only speak on behalf of what I have experienced in Uganda in that short time.

I’m very bothered by the idea that Americans listen to this song every Christmas, feeling bad for people across the world, thinking they don’t know it’s Christmastime, which is ridiculous. Yes it’s true, we don’t get snow in Uganda (except the peaks of the Rwenzori mountains) but I’m pretty sure snow didn’t fall the night baby Jesus was born in Bethlehem. And let us remember the record heat we’re having this year-we don’t have snow in Michigan this Christmas either. If anything, Hollywood has made us associate Christmas with snow, and makes us feel like Christmas is incomplete without it. And “there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime” is not even a blanket statement that can be used legitimately after Cairo, Egypt was in the news two weeks ago for receiving their first snowfall in 112 years. 1

“Where nothing ever grows”? Don’t these singers know the huge amount of natural resources Africa is blessed with, such as coffee, grains, oil, and gold, just to name a very few. “No rain or rivers flow”? When I left Uganda a week and a half ago, we were still pretty immersed in the raining season. And do I really need to mention rivers? What about the Congo River, or I don’t know, the Nile?

It’s unfortunate that people think they can say what they want about Africa in such a negative way, and in this case, their words get played in melodic form for the next thirty-some years. Because of this, stereotypes about Africans are not going away like they should be, such as Africans are all too poor and dismal to celebrate Christmas or too oblivious to even know when it is.

According to the most recent census, 85% of Ugandans are Christian, while only 12% are Islam. This would mean the vast majority of the population celebrates Christmas. While Africans often have much less access to good education, they are still very intelligent, and they do own calendars! They definitely know when Christmas is.

From what I’ve seen, people that live in rural villages celebrate Christmas. It’s often the one day of the year that people buy meat and soda for their family. They don’t exchange gifts like we do, but just because they don’t celebrate like we do, doesn’t mean they’re not celebrating. Ugandans go to church on Christmas Day, no matter what day of the week it is. If anything, they understand and celebrate the true meaning of Christmas better than we do.

Let’s not forget that there are 1.2 million people living in the city of Kampala, and those of them that are Christians are definitely celebrating. In the city there are Christmas lights, Christmas music, churches do Christmas productions, and you can walk into a large retail store and buy a fake Christmas tree, just like the ones we have here in America. Christmas is a time when most people living in Kampala leave the city and go visit family that live in the villages.

The tribal languages of Uganda that I have been introduced to even have their own word for Christmas-‘Sekukulu’ in Luganda.

I’ve read a little bit about the mixed reception this song had when it first came out in 1984, and although it became the biggest selling hit at the time it was released (Music Week, 1985) I’ve read several articles in which one of the writers, Bob Geldof, is quoted saying it’s a terrible song. After starting conversations, I found my Ugandan friends do not know the song, but the idea of it is insulting to them.

What I’m wondering is how the conversation about Africa has not changed in the last 30 years. This song is still played on the radio and still covered by other singers at Christmastime today.

Maybe some people think this song raises awareness of African lifestyle but they would be wrong. This song over-generalizes and promotes stereotypes of African people.

Pitying the continent as a whole does nothing to empower African people.

In a 2014 ‘The Guardian’ article about a revival of the song to raise awareness for the recent Ebola outbreak, the author states “I, like many others, am sick of the whole concept of Africa – a resource-rich continent with unbridled potential – always being seen as diseased, infested and poverty-stricken. In fact, seven out of 10 of the world’s fastest growing economies are in Africa.”2

The West has a certain negative mindset about Africa, and they only see it that way. Often when I tell people I live in Africa, they have a hard time believing me because the words Ebola, Terrorism, Famine, Disease, Poverty, run through their heads. They have no idea that in Kampala, I go to the movie theater, I go for jogs around my neighborhood, I go to the grocery store. It’s a very normal place and I feel very safe there.

Let’s change the conversation about Africa and African people. We can start by remembering there are different economic levels in Africa. I really do not want to diminish the pain that people do go through in many places around the vast continent. Approximately 50% of people in Sub-Saharan Africa(that’s every country except Egypt, Libya, Tunisia, Algeria, Morocco, and Western Sahara) live on less than $1.25 a day.3 Millions of people live in poverty we cannot even fathom. But, there are also many wealthy people in Africa. There are many people that live very affluent lifestyles. In 2011, a report was made saying 1-in-3 Africans are considered middle class.4 While the average income is certainly well below the average income in America, the cost of living is also much less, so people can get by on smaller incomes, while living comfortably.

Also, when talking about issues in the continent, try as best you can to discuss people groups, specific countries, because there are still many people who believe Africa in itself is one country-wrong!

So please, by all means, give generously to organizations that take care of the needy people of Africa. But Africa as a whole doesn’t need your pity. They need your compassion and they need for you to be educated.

If you would like to read more on this topic, here are the links to some articles I have really enjoyed:

Global Citizen: “Africans Are All Poor and 15 Other Myths”

https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/africans-are-all-poor-and-15-other-myths/

Relevant Magazine: “You Need Africa More Than Africa Needs You”

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/reject-apathy/you-need-africa-more-africa-needs-you

 

 

Works Cited:

1.http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/12/13/snow-egypt-middle-east_n_4438571.html

2. http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/19/turn-down-band-aid-bob-geldof-africa-fuse-odg

3. http://www.worldbank.org/en/news/press-release/2008/09/16/new-data-show-14-billion-live-less-us125-day-progress-against-poverty-remains-strong

4. http://edition.cnn.com/2011/BUSINESS/05/20/middle.class.africa/