As the days and weeks pass by, my departure for my life in Uganda ticks like a bomb about to explode.

It’s my greatest joy, my saddest goodbye, and my biggest adventure all rolled into one.

When I look back, I can’t believe how quickly the days are passing.

And honestly, it surprised me.

When I first got my job at Rainbow International School back in May, I thought my return to Uganda would never come soon enough. But now, as my to-do list only seems to grow, many things still need to be purchased, and I have dear friends to spend time with and say goodbye to, I am overwhelmed with feeling like I’m running out of time.

Yes, this new chapter of my life is definitely an exciting one. Anyone moving to another country will tell you that. But what they don’t tell you is the range of emotions that are coupled with the adventure.

I would love to tell you that this preparation process has been all rainbows and butterflies, but that would be a lie. Of course, I’m excited. Of course, I am devoted to this path I have chosen. But it’s hard to feel that all the time.

In the midst of working 35+ hour weeks, paperwork for visas and teaching certification, lists upon lists, endless conversations on how I will cook food and purify my water, studying 70 page syllabi for my future classes, heartbreaking decisions about whether or not to leave my cello behind, medication debacles, and so much more, I’ll admit, it’s hard to keep my eyes straight forward.

There are days I feel my attitude is under attack. The enemy uses outside forces and thoughts in my own head to fill me with doubts. Somedays I feel incapable. Somedays I feel I am bound to fail. Somedays I feel wrapped in guilt over leaving behind my family. Somedays I fear the difficulty everyday life in Uganda will bring. Often I fear loneliness living alone in a city on the other side of the world.

It’s not pretty but it’s reality-for me, and my guess is for anyone obediently doing what God calls them to do, which, let’s face it, is rarely safe or comfortable.

However, (don’t worry here comes the sunny part) there are important lessons being revealed through all the struggles: God doesn’t desire for me to feel these things, but He uses everything. God wants me to see now that not every day in Uganda is going to be rainbows and butterflies either. I’m going to be spending my first two years teaching (which would be difficult anywhere), in a foreign country, teaching students from many, many different backgrounds, working in an environment that is not kingdom focused. I will be so far from everything I know to be normal, for a long time. This is going to be the most stretching thing I’ve done in my life so far, and how good a father would He be if God let me walk into this experience completely blinded to the reality of what is to come?

It also gives me great comfort to remember that no matter what, God is in control. I don’t need to know exactly how everything in Uganda is going to go because I know my Father in Heaven already sees it and has my back. I feel relief knowing before He made me, He knew how all of this was going to go. He knew I would get stressed and question if I’m strong enough, and He chose me for this path anyway. He already knows the mistakes I have yet to make and He keeps loving me despite them all. He equips me for everything I need to carry out His will (Hebrews 13:21).

When my moments of doubt and fear and guilt come, it doesn’t feel good. But what does feel good is knowing God is taking time to prepare his daughter, and He has set this path that is uniquely mine out before me.

To anyone who is preparing for something like me, or maybe something completely different, but experiencing the same emotions: Don’t be afraid to talk about it. I think a lot of times, as Christians, we feel like we can’t show our struggles. We have to act like following God is easy so other people will want to do it too. But the truth is it isn’t easy. It’s intentionally a hard walk so we are forced to rely on the strength of God rather than our own. Following God’s will is serious stuff. We’re not promised safety or ease. However, we are promised that God will never leave us. There is stress involved in this life, but it is well worth the trouble.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

-Romans 8:18

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God foes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

-Deuteronomy 31:6

At this point, I’d say pretty much everyone that is a part of my life knows about my plans to move to Uganda for two years. I’ve talked to many people that are fairly shocked by my decision to go. They are comforted by my financial security in my job but, I see uneasiness in the eyes of people that hear about my ministry experience and goals in Uganda.

People have treated me like I’m brave and courageous for going to a third-world country to do ministry. But I’ve never felt like that. To be honest, frequently I feel like I’m taking the easy way out. Sure, I’m moving into a culture I know very little about, leaving behind my normal comforts, but from a ministry standpoint, it could be a lot worse. I have friends that do ministry in countries they can’t speak the name of, countries where it is illegal to evangelize. I’m moving to a land where I’ve literally had Muslims come up to me at a public clinic and ask me to tell them about Jesus, and then immediately accept Him as their savior!

I sometimes feel I’m doing the easy thing because I’m going to Uganda where people are hungry for hope. Whether it’s Christ or not, people there are accustomed to the spiritual. This is not the case in America.

Being a missionary in America presents just as many challenges as anyone leaving the country. We live in a country that actively rebels against God. Consistently looking at pornography that destroys relationships is accepted as a normal part of life. Having sex with people you’ve met that day, is the basis of reality tv shows. Sexuality can sell everything from shampoo to tennis shoes. We live in a self indulgent society. We are materialistic, putting our worth in how much we own. We climb the ladder of our personal successes in order to glorify ourselves and our own accomplishments. We don’t put our hope in God because the American Dream teaches us to focus on self, after all, work harder and harder and you can achieve anything out of your own strength, right?

“I lift my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” -Psalm 121:1-2

We are taught to pick ourselves up by our boot straps, forgetting it’s Christ who saves us while we’re still in sin. Christ that rescues us from darkness. Our strength comes from Him. There’s nothing we can do to save ourselves, it’s only Him.

“For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast” -Ephesians 2:8-9

Americans suffer much less from poverty, starvation, and death from preventable diseases than Africans do, it’s true. We have extensive resources and technology, everything the world strives for, yet we live with hearts that are hardened.

I’ve talked to people, seen movies and read blog posts where Americans describe God as hateful, sadistic, scary, unjust. The startling number of people in my generation turning away from God makes my heart incredibly heavy.

Uganda undoubtedly has it’s need for Jesus too. The poverty, lack education and prevalence of witchcraft has been the subject of many of my prayers. For many reasons, God has called me to live and do ministry in Uganda, but I don’t want to forget the undeniable need for a more accurate depiction of God in America. It’s hard to find someone in our country that hasn’t heard the name of Jesus, yet so many are lost, so many turn away because they have been hurt by members of the church, they have yet to see someone living out the Christian lifestyle in a meaningful way. Many think they can do life better on their own without God, or they just never even think about Him and His love for them.

In the introduction to her book Compelled By Love, missionary to Mozambique, Heidi Baker says, “You see, where I live, the poor know they are poor; they know they are sick and hurting; and so they come and give their lives to Jesus by the hundreds every week around the country. But in your nation, your poor do not know they are poor, and your sick do not know they are sick unless they are dying of a disease and no one can help them. They look confident, and they appear as if they are together. But maybe they are not. So your job is a lot harder than ours.” Here she’s saying that people in America don’t always see that they need a savior, they believe they can take care of themselves if they just work harder.

I commend those that have the courage to lovingly minister to the people right around them that do not know God – missionaries that work amongst their own people group, in the face of ridicule and rejection, because they have a burning passion to bring the loving Jesus to a scornful nation.

With such a vast array of religions and cultures represented, the growing acceptance of different sexualities, our extreme materialism and yearning for earthly pleasures and comforts, constant changing laws, argumentative people eager to call Christians intolerant for not changing their beliefs to agree with every lifestyle, and so much more, the missionaries and churches here certainly have their work cut out for them. America is a battlefield. As life choices that rebel against God’s will are becoming more accepted, Christians have to prepare themselves for more persecution. We all have to reflect on the truths we stand firmly on.

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”  – Matthew 5:11-12

I applaud every Pastor, every Sunday school teacher, those that go into the prisons to minister, the business person that shares the hope they’ve found in Christ with their co-workers, youth pastors, and all those finding creative ways to minister to people in their everyday life. In Uganda, I minister to people that see me as just some white girl talking about that Jesus guy, people that are longing for something or someone to save them, but here, you are the truly brave ones.

To all those on the mission field in America: do not lose heart, my friends. Never stop loving the people around you, whether or not their beliefs and life choices line up with yours. Love them to the very best of your ability. I acknowledge you as you bring the gospel to the nations, every nation, including the US. Remember, it’s not your job to change people. God is in the business of transforming hearts and changing lives. Be obedient, do your part, and then leave the results up to God. No matter what, your Father in Heaven is deeply pleased with you.

Not all Missionaries cross the ocean.

Some of you may bless me for going. I say, God bless the missionaries that stay.

“But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ’s triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him everywhere.” – 2 Corinthians 2:14

I’ll let you in on a secret, I’ve known for a while that I would be going back to Uganda.

In the first week of my internship with Show Mercy International, God spoke to me and told me, “You won’t be done with this place after these three months.” At the time, I had no idea what that meant. Things continued to shift and each day it seemed He would reveal more of His plan and more of my heart for the people of Uganda. After about two months, I knew I would be coming back sometime later that year. My heart had become attached to that place like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I couldn’t even try to stop it. And now, as dreams unfold and prophesies emerge, it is clear that I am moving to Uganda.

Since I left Uganda, the enemy has tried to discourage me. He’s tried to make God seem less present in America, like maybe God would forget about me here. But God is faithful, He proves that He hasn’t forgotten me by sending me sparkles on my hands when I pray and speaking to me through His word.

Just about a week after coming home I was feeling discouraged. I was having trouble seeing a way to get back there and I wondered out loud, “God could this really happen? Am I really going back to Uganda?”

At the time I was reading through Genesis and I sat down and picked up my bible. I started where I had left off the day before, Genesis 28:10. Here Jacob is traveling to Haran and he has a dream of a ladder stretching up to heaven. In verse 15 God tells him, “I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

Man, I just about started to cry. Here I am, calling out to God, wondering if He’s with me, asking if He’s really going to send me back to the place I left my heart, I sit down to read His word and He tells me that He remembers His promises to me, He will bring me back to Uganda, and He is always with me.

So now, I had this promise. I knew I was going back to Uganda at some point. I also knew I had no job or anywhere to live but my parents’ house after the end of the summer, so I made my goal to return in the fall.

I had all these ideas buzzing around in my head of all these ways I would love for God to use me. I prayed every day since returning home that God would reveal His plans for me. I’m obedient to Him but I’m not superhuman-I wanted to know the plan! I prayed, God I will go, but what am I going to do there? Well, very rarely does God reveal all His plans at once. So I waited.

A few weeks later, I travelled to the Twin Cities to visit my good friend Patrice, who I met in Uganda. To say she has been a huge inspiration to me in the months that I’ve known her would be an understatement. I spent a weekend with her and her family and one evening we were discussing my return to Africa when her spirit told her to type “Teaching jobs in Uganda” into Google. We couldn’t help but notice a certain job opening that continued to come up first in the searches; an International School in the capital city of Kampala needed a Head of Music teacher. This job had an application deadline of May 31, just two weeks away.

At that time I had my heart set on doing some sort of full-time ministry when I went back to Uganda, because that is what I had done before. So I didn’t put much thought into the idea of the job.

In the following week I weighed my options, I could continue seeking full-time ministry opportunities, waiting for God to reveal His plans for me, or I could take initiative and see what else God had to offer. I decided it wouldn’t hurt to just inquire more about the position to see if it was something I was interested in.

Saturday May 22, I emailed the head teacher of the secondary school in Kampala asking more about the music program and duties this position would entail. He responded by forwarding my questions to the school’s Human Resources person, and promptly asked me to send my resume.

I sent it along and two days later he responded wanting to set up an interview. On May 29, I had a Skype interview (at 7 am) with the head secondary teacher and the current Head of Music teacher who is being promoted. In this interview many of my questions about the job were answered. I was told I would be contacted again in a few days with news.

Fifteen minutes later I checked my email to find I had been offered the job.

I thought, prayed, talked to Patrice, my roommates and my mom, took a deep breath and accepted the job that afternoon.

Man, when God wants something done, He sure moves quickly.

So, with all of that said, this August, I will be moving back to Uganda. On June 12th I signed a two year contract with Rainbow International School as the Head of Music Teacher at the secondary school (high school). I will be teaching several small classes. As the head of the department, I will also be in charge of the music budget and all instruments and department head over the several other music instructors.

I will have my own home on a compound with the other teachers that come from across the globe.

I will be teaching students from 60 different countries at the 22nd best school in all of Africa.

I will also be participating in volunteer work in the villages as much as possible.

And I am so excited.

A good friend of mine pointed out how amazing it is that within a week I went from having no idea at all of what God wanted to do with me, very little plans of how I would be spending my time when I returned to Uganda, to having the next two years planned out.

Our God is so faithful.

I had been very set on living as a missionary in Uganda, doing only ministry in the village. Yet here I am, taking a job in the city of Kampala, teaching music to high schoolers. They weren’t my plans, but His plans have been revealed.

In the days before my interview, it occurred to me that I couldn’t really expect God to immediately launch me into my ministry upon my return, especially when I had no solid vision of what He wanted me to do. I began to realize how perfectly this job would set me up for the future I know God has for me. I will be teaching at one of the best schools on the continent, learning skills I can eventually take to the village schools where a huge part of my heart is. I will be learning budgeting and managing skills that will be forever useful in whatever work God calls me to. And I will be building relationships with people from every corner of the world and every walk of life.

I really do believe God has a purpose for me in Uganda much bigger than I could hope to see now. That’s why I was so willing to go back there without a concrete plan.

Praise be to God who humbles himself to use us, His children for His glory. Who never forgets us for one second. Who never leaves us in the dark. Who prepares us before He sends us out. Thanks be to our Father who knows the desires of our hearts and wants us to turn those desires into passion and passion into action.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” -Jeremiah 29:11

“So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10

Yesterday I was asked to speak at a church event on the subject of what breaks my heart. This idea is a project the Ward young adult’s group is just starting at their monthly worship nights. And they wanted to bring me and my heart on.

So, what breaks my heart?

Well, a lot of things.

Cancer. Bullying. Suicide. Abuse. Materialism. Natural Disasters. Human Trafficking. Animal Extinction. Starvation. Death from Preventable Diseases. Orphans. Addiction.

We could all name a multitude of things that we hate to see in the world, things that greatly disturb us.

But right now my heart has a specific pull in it.

I’ve lived in a land much different than my own and exposed myself to a whole new kind of heartbreak. The kind of heartbreak that gets you up off your butt and forces you to DO something.

At this worship night, I spoke about my heart for Uganda. There are so many things about this country that make my heart soar. When I was there I would feel like I was flying, delighted in the ways God chose to use me for increasing His kingdom, but there are things about Uganda that bring me sadness too.

Uganda has a spirit of poverty over it. Anyone that comes from the west won’t be able to leave Kampala without experiencing it. People there live in houses the size of our bedrooms, with dirt, jigger infested floors. Many people can’t afford the cost of transportation to medical clinics; I’ve heard of women WALKING to the hospital while in labor. In Uganda, I’ve had many people in the village tell me money is their biggest concern, and that breaks my heart.

Because of the widespread poverty, education is a challenge. Parents struggle to afford school fees and many children do not attend. These children end up working or roaming around. People know education is the solution to their economic problems, but without hope of it, a vicious cycle of poverty through generations continues, and that breaks my heart.

As a culture based on intellectualism and reason, we have a hard time imagining the existence of actual witchcraft, but in Africa as a whole, witchcraft is very prevalent and very real. People live believing there are curses on them and their families, and there’s nothing they can do about it. It breaks my heart that these people don’t know the authority they have from Christ. When you are filled with the Holy Spirit, you have the power to heal and cast out demons just like Jesus did. In a place where even pastors haven’t received bible training, someone needs to tell these people about the power they can carry.

What breaks my heart is that people think they need money or school fees or a better job, they think they need the help of a witch doctor, but in reality, what they need is Jesus.

And this isn’t just a problem in Uganda. Worldwide people put their hope and faith into things that will never satisfy or solve their problems. They’re called idols. And they separate us from God.

I love what this young adults group is doing because not only are they recognizing what breaks their heart in the world (and by extension what breaks God’s heart) but they are empowering each other to DO something about it.
God broke my heart for Uganda, and I’m so glad that He did because in that act, He revealed my purpose.

So I ask you, has God broken your heart for a place, a people group, an organization?
What injustices weigh on your soul?

Keep that in mind. Don’t let it turn to anger or discouragement. Turn it into PASSION.

Now, what does God want you to DO about what breaks your heart?

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” -Anne Frank